L no Kane
by Grasshopper-chan
Summary: Based on the infamous episode 25. He just wants the ringing to stop. Lcentric. Major spoilers. Religious themes and death.


Title: L no Kabe (_very_ original, I know...and that was sarcasm, in case you didn't catch that. 8D)

Author: Grasshopper-chan

Rating: PG

Pairings: none

Summary: He just wants the ringing to stop and the snow to melt into silence.

Warnings: major spoilers, religious themes, anime-verse

SPOILERS: Warning! Major spoilers for episode 25 of the anime (ch. 58 of the manga)!

* * *

Sometimes, the bells ring in my ears so loud that I can't hear my own thoughts. Those days are unbearable for me, but they are not the worst. The worst are the nights, either spent sleepless or dreaming. Those dreams of days long past, and of days I am now certain I will not live to see...they are what torment me to insomnia. Those dreams of days I would rather die than think on… 

My time is short. Soon, I will be dead. I imagine Watari will be as well. And we will not be Kira's last victims. It saddens me because, try as I might, I can think of no escape. There is no loophole to exploit, no clever saving move, no light at the end of this dark tunnel I find myself in except for one, and it is a light that, despite knowing that it will silence this perpetual ringing in my ears, I can neither welcome nor embrace. Just as it is with him…Raito.

The bells are particularly loud today, and not even the droning of the computers and the saccharine taste of my cake can smother their overwhelming cries. I absently wonder whether they now shed tears of joy—and at this thought I momentarily allow a sliver of hope to invade my heart—or wail in anguish just as I so long to do.

It is raining, though I can barely tell for want of sensation. The only thing I can feel anymore is the bone-deep dread and the cold that has stayed with me ever since the snowy day I arrived at the orphanage so many years ago. There were bells back then, too.

So loud.

Neither the pounding droplets of rain nor the cold can numb me to their beckoning voices. Yes, very soon I will be forced to answer them. I have been running from them all my life, but soon that will no longer be an option.

Louder and louder, they call to me. I would will myself deaf if I didn't know I would still hear them regardless. Even so, deaf or not, they are all I hear, and that light at the end of this dark tunnel is all I see.

Bells…Bells and light.

"_What are you doing in a place like this, Ryuzaki?"_

No…Light. Bells and light and Light. Raito is here, and I can just hear his faint voice over the pouring rain and ringing bells. I want to hear it again. I _need_ to hear it again, and so I beckon to him as the bells beckon to me.

"_What are you doing in a place like this, Ryuzaki?"_ It's a little louder this time, and at the moment it is the sweetest sound in the world. And yet, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, so much so that I do not trust myself to speak. Instead, I silently beckon him once more, and soon he is beside me. He looks so warm, so alive, and I find myself shivering against the cold despite my numbness.

As I glance at this boy out of the corner of my eye, I wonder how such a sweet and…_innocent_ (it occurs to me now that, despite it all, he is in some way still innocent) person could be so deceived and twisted, twisted like the distorted vision I had of him earlier through the glass. Once again, for the thousandth, no _hundred_ thousandth, time, I wish Yagami Raito was not Kira.

It is wrong for me to make such a wish, such a prayer, and so fervently and earnestly and often that I have lost count of how many times I have beseeched whatever higher powers exist to take this lot from me. The lot of the icon of justice. The lot of the martyr. The lot of the man who must condemn his only friend at the expense of his only source of happiness and hope.

Kira, cruel, ruthless, depraved, a villain, the ultimate evil. I hate him wholly, with everything I am, and I hate everything he stands for. Raito, kind, compassionate, righteous, a prodigy, the future. My friend, whom I love dearly and would gladly lay down my very life for.

Perhaps the reason Shinigami love apples is that they represent the forbidden. Raito is that forbidden fruit for me, and my only regret in befriending him is that I cannot save him. I cannot, no matter how much I wish otherwise, stop what he is about to do. I would do anything for him, and yet at this very moment the only thing I _can_ do is wipe the rain from his feet. It is so little, and yet I can do no more than that. Whether he is Raito, my friend, or Kira, my enemy, I find myself kneeling before him utterly powerless. It makes me wonder, just for an instant, if Kira really is god.

The bells are quiet now, as I perform my lowly task, and for that I am grateful. I do not want this moment of peace to end. Although I am not sure that Raito-kun is enjoying my massage much, because every time my fingers press into his foot he winces visibly. Little-by-little, he becomes accustomed to the contact. I think I do as well. His feet are warm in my icy grip. Perhaps it was the cold that had caused him to wince? Or perhaps it was the knowledge of what he is about to do to me? I would be very hurt if Raito could betray me without so much as faltering in his charade. The fact that he is going to betray me at all makes me very sad, but at least now I know his conscience is not completely dead.

Light filters in through the high windows and envelops Raito in a gentle glow. As I look up at him through my bangs, he really does look like a divine being—a Light in this dark world, waiting with outstretched palm at the end of the tunnel. But in reality, my palms will be the ones held upward and outstretched, and they will be secured by nails hammered in deep by the same hands that now wipe so tenderly at my moist face.

The bells begin ringing again, only this time in the form of a cell phone, and the delicious moment is broken, shattered into thousands of grains of sand. I am the martyr. He is Judas.

_Friend, do what you came for._

And now, as I lay dying, looking up into the eyes of my killer, all I know is the warmth of a friend's embrace and the hollow ringing of bells. It seems that the funeral they sang for all these years was my own. Because now that I'm gone, they've stopped ringing, and all that's left is warm, blissful silence and the soothing light waiting to welcome me home at last.

…I'm home.


End file.
